"And, you, dearest moon, incomparable! If I could swallow you, I would choke to a lovely death and have, upon my decomposing lips, your eternal beauty." - Beauty and Sadness and The Moon
It was just another day at work. As i sat down and began my usual routine a friend of mine messaged me on my YM.
"You know Ana? She died last saturday... She's only 29"
" Ana who?"
"Ana the writer in Sunstar, the poet? she's your blogmate right?"
"Hmm.. I don't remember very well but maybe she used another name or nickname on that"
"Ah its raine's blogmate pala sorry"
"How did she die?"
"Nobody knows for now, some say suicide, others say its cardiac arrest try to go to her site and see who she is"
At the back of my mind I thought why would she do it? If indeed it was suicide why in the world would somebody as gifted as her do it?
And I thought well.. Ernest Hemingway did it... Friedrich Nietszche did it why wouldn't she?
At that same instant I messaged my friends in Cebu. Cebu has a small tight circle of writers, they usually do poetry reading at kahayag cafe. I always imagined myself joining it anytime soon I joined some in UP in college but then a lot of things happened so it went and pass 'til I became one of the watchers from afar as the literary circle became tighter but bigger. Ana was a part of that awareness.
"She died of cardiac arrest..."
"Really? she had a heart problem?"
"Maybe" said my other literary friend in Cebu
"I just don't think she's gonna do it... I'm thinking of a foul play but everybody wants to keep mum on it"
"Lets hope it gets clearer... anytime soon"
As I dig deeper and I look at her pictures and diving photographs I noticed something - we both love the sea... the fishes... photography (though I just can't afford it but thanks to digital technology I get to take pictures of things I want to carry in me)
There is also something in her eyes that one could say a melancholic stillness but full of zest for life. She also has a daughter, wrote tons and tons of articles and columns and poetry at that that I have to make up for reading them all. Her style is unique and pleasant, she really is a gifted writer.
She is also pretty, a head turner I assume but nonetheless a thinker at that.
So I asked more people.
"She hanged herself... and she was rushed to the hospital afterwards she had 12 cardiac arrests and she died" said another friend.
"Are you sure?"
"That's what they told me..."
"You think she'll really do it?"
"When I was with her in Dumaguete in the writers workshop she seemed nice and happy aside from the occasional if you know what I mean... but I don't think she'll really do it... nonetheless that's what they told me"
another friend told me it's 30 cardiac arrests.
Now I'm confused.
I also don't know if she was the one who edited the line in her multiply site: ...and this site is now closed.
But then I still added her in my friends list. Knowing that perhaps she was the only one who knew the password to it. Nevertheless I still hope she would add me as one of her friends wherever she is.
29 is not too young, we get to learn a lot in time and maybe her learning is just enough as she deems fit for everybody and anyone trying to learn more about her mystery.
I wrote her a poem afterwards. Posted it in her site, I hope she likes it.
Whatever your reason is if you really did it... If ever you left this world because the divine wants you back... Wherever you are thank you for your words and your magic.
May you rest in peace Ana...