Ana Escalante Neri Silenced?
Ana Escalante Neri (1978-2007)I do not condone the nature of privacy if that is what she wants and that is what the family wants. But needless to say Ana has become a public entity. Her life and struggles has been a constant inspiration to other writers and adventurers alike as well as "depressed" human beings.
She has become an Icon suffice to say of femininity. She Is a poets' poet and a writer's writer. Even now almost a month ago from her death people are still asking "Why?"
People are still searching and looking for her pictures her adventures her dreams her articles, her loves, her EVERYTHING.
Just so everyone would know, the entries in her multiply site sparks of debates such as the motive behind her apparent "suicide" and the circumstances surrounding her "depression" before she allegedly took her life.
Questions such as "Where is the autopsy report?"
"What does it say?" "What are Ana's problems?" are being addressed in the site and I have to admit that I have been an avid reader of these conversation and exchanges trying to play the role of an audience in between arguments.
It is not the malevolence of the exchanges that makes it more complicated to begin with nor the intention of those people who are in the process of asking questions than propose answers.
It is the lack of answers thereof that kept me coming back. It is the thrist for Ana's thoughts and Ideas that kept me coming back.
By taking down Ana's site she was silenced. Silenced as never been silenced before.
I ask myself is that what her family wants?
As far as the exchanges are concerned most of the arguments came from her relatives
they were the one's who asks the questions, they were the one's looking for answers.
So it bothers me really. What is there to hide from? What is there to keep from Ana's followers? Is she just another statistic to be placed alongside poets who suffered her fate?
Is she to be obscured by censorship?
One thing's for sure Ana left the site months ago but she NEVER pulled it down she left it as it is with her thoughts and memories.
By writing, sending eulogies, questioning, searching, in her site doesn't undermine its worth nor does it taint its former glory.
In effect it even gave it its proper place or rather pinnacle it rightfully deserves.
Shakespeare had his theatres, Rizal had his journals, ANA had her site.
And even it was SILENCED...
ADVENTURES SA KAWATANAN NG RENTAS INTERNAS
ni Jol Ong
Okay. So natanggap na ako nung November sa NCCA bilang researcher. Contract employee lang. 3 months. May Yearbook project kasi sila at kailangan ng extrang tao.
Okay lang ang bayad, kaso may 10% withholding tax, at siyempre, dapat may Tax Identification Number ako. So tinanong ko yung boss ko- "Sir, di po ba yung employer ang maglalakad ng TIN ng employee?"
Sagot ni bosing- "Di ka kasi regular employee kaya dapat ikaw ang maglakad ng TIN mo."Assurance nung assistant ni bosing- "Okay lang yan, one-time hassle lang yan."
Ala ako problema. Sige, ako maglalakad ng TIN ko. Tutal, ano ba ang worst case scenario? Mahabang pila? Red Tape? Naknamsiomai, sanay naman ako sa UP e - kuhaan ng classcards, pila sa registration, pila sa graduation, etc.
Ako rin naman ang naglalakad ng registration ng beetle ko, at sa pagrerenew ko ng lisensya, so okay lang.
Sabi ni bosing, dun daw ako mag-apply ng TIN sa BIR Main, sa may QC, para mas konti ang pila! . May BIR din naman sa labas ng Intramuros, walking distance para sa mga sanay maglakad, pero mas konti raw ang tao sa Main.
So, sige, nagpaalam ako, isang araw mag-aabsent ako para lakarin yun. Dun ako sa Main, dahil malapit lang sa amin, tapos plano ko, dadaanan ko yung ilang research materials sa UP. Solve!
Pagdating ko sa BIR Main, nagulat nga ako dahil wala ngang katao-tao. Ni wala akong nakitang pila, maliban lang dun sa pila sa harap, dahil tsinecheck nung sekyu yung bag ng mga tao. Nung pagpasok ko, wala pala silang TIN forms. Wow. Naubusan ng TIN Forms ang BIR Main. Hanep.
Tinanong ako nung lalaki sa desk kung para saan yung TIN application ko, sabi ko, para sa work. Kung saan ako nagtatrabaho, sabi ko sa Intramuros.
"Dun ka mag-apply sa Intramuros." sabi nung lalaki.
"Di po ba puwede talaga rito?"
"Hinde, kasi sa Intramuros ka e, sila ang may hawak sa 'yo."
Okay lang, although medyo naburat ako sa efficiency nila. Ibig kong sabihin, wow, Main BIR sila tapos una, naubusan sila ng TIN Forms, pangalawa, ewan, ang laki-laki ng saklaw nilang lugar, ang laki-laki ng mga building nila, tapos hindi nila ako ma-accommodate.
Taragis, e malamang sa kanila rin naman mauuwi yung records ko kung sa BIR Davao o BIR Batanes ako mag-apply, dahil tutal, Main sila e, di ba? So ala na akong magawa, ala rin silang TIN Forms, so useless din kung magprotesta pa ako dun. So pumunta na lang akong peyups ( U.P.) for official business,for the first time. Hehehe!
Pagpasok ko sa work, sinubukan kong lakarin yung TIN application ko sa BIR sa labas ng Intramuros, yung malapit sa port area. Pag-akyat ko sa taas,hinanapan ako ng certificate of employment, at barangay clearance.
At dahil walang nagsabi sa akin na kailangan ko nun, lalo na yung lalaki sa BIR Main, wala akong bitbit na requirements.
Pagbalik ko sa opisina, inexplain ko sa bosing namin yung problema. Nakatingin sa akin yung bosing ko na parang nawe-weirdohan din at di maintindihan yung paghihigpit ng BIR. Lintek, sabi nga nung isang workmate ko, the fact na nag-apply na ako for TIN, dinedeclare ko na sa gobyerno na puwede na nilang
kupitan, err, kaltasan ang maliit kong suweldo.
Ako na nga ang magbibigay ng pera sa kanila, ako pa ang hinihigpitan. Tanginang gobyerno yan, kahit kailan talaga pahirap sa mga tao.
Anyway, pag-aaralan pa raw nila kung mabibigyan nila ako ng certificate of employment. Yung barangay clearance, ako na ang maglalakad. Plano kong bumalik ulit sa BIR Main. Hindi ko na lang sasabihin na sa Maynila ako nagtatrabaho. Yung ninang ko na may business, binigyan ako ng TIN Forms. Form 1901,
take note. Para sa mga regular employees. May pipirmahan sa likod ang employer ko. After nito, dumiretso ako sa barangay hall namin para sa clearance. Hiningan ako ng CV para sa file. Medyo naiirita na ako sa puntong ito. Isipin mo naman kung gaano ka-hassle ang buong prosesong ito, para saan? Para gawin ko ang aking role bilang mabuting mamamayan sa pagbabayad ng tamang buwis. Anyway, tinanong ako nung babae sa barangay hall kung may TIN daw ako. NaFafalo ako sa noo ko.
Whoooooo!!! I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!!!!!
Okay! So may clearance na ako! Humingi na ako ng certificate of employment sa bosing ko, at pinapapirmahan ko na siya sa likod ng Form 1901 ko. Kaso sabi niya, hindi raw puwede kasi wala ako sa roster of employees ng NCCA. Project employee lang ako e. So tinanong ko kung puwede ibalik yung mga kaltas sa akin, tutal ala naman akong TIN e, at ayaw akong bigyan ng BIR,kaya pu@#$%*na sila, di ko bibigay pera ko sa gobyerno!
Ang problema, hindi raw puwede yun. Tuloy-tuloy ang kaltas sa suweldo ko. Kapag hindi raw kasi kinaltasan, sila raw ang malilintikan kapag nag-check ng expenses ang NCCA, makikitang hindi binawasan ng suweldo ko. So tinawag ngayon yung isang accountant ng NCCA para tulungan kami sa aming munting problema. Hindi rin maintindihan nung accountant kung bakit hinihigpitan ako ng BIR. Putsa, ako na nga ng magbibigay ng pera sa gobyerno, may gana pa silang magpakipot. Sabi nung accountant, yung kinaltas sa akin, mapupunta pa
rin sa gobyerno, may TIN man ako o wala, at hindi sa bulsa ng kung sinoman sa NCCA.
Well, dadaan muna sa gobyerno, sa BIR, bago mauwi sa bulsa ng isang congressman, pero technically, alang problema dahil pagkahaba-haba man ng prusisyon, sa simbahan pa rin ni s~tan~s ang tuloy. Ang difference bale,kapag may TIN ako, dinedeclare ko lang na sa akin galing yung kakaning-ibon na baryang portion ng pang-tip ni Mr.Congressman sa p*kpok niya sa Pegasus. Otherwise, mula kay Mr. Anonymous yung pang-tip niya.
Advise sa akin, sabihin ko na lang na freelance writer ako. Tutal, may kaltas din naman daw kapag nag-freelance ka sa mga diyaryo. Tapos i-assert ko raw na ako na ang pagbibigay ng pera sa kanilang mga letse sila kaya dapat bigyan pa nila ako ng libreng chocolait at biskwet out of gratitude mga hayop silang mga impakto sila.
Okay. So bumalik ulit ako sa BIR Main. As usual, ang pila lang ay yung sa harap, kung saan nagtse-check yung sekyu ng bomba sa mga bag ng mga tao. Anyway, babae na yung nasa desk ngayon. Pinakita ko na yung baranggay clearance ko, at yung accomplished Form 1901 ko. Nung tinanong sa akin kung saan ako
nagwowork, inexplain ko na freelance writer ako kaya wala akong regular employer, kaya walang nakapirma sa likod. Okay?
Okay. Hinde. sabi nung babae, since hindi ako regular employee, ibang form dapat ang finill-up-an ko. At bigla siyang naglabas ng Form 1902 at binigay sa akin.Whew, kinabahan ako dun a. Yung Form 1902, sabi niya, ay para sa mga "mixed-income individuals," para sa mga taong hindi regular ang kita- professionals, businessmen, at sabi niya, freelance writers.
Okay! Fill-up dito, fill-up dun, okay lang!!! Magkakaroon na ako sa wakas! Inaabot ko na sa babae yung Form 1902! Eto na...
"Ummm, okay na? Ngayon, punta kayo sa West Ave.....Branch namin."
Nanlaki ang mata ko. Wow, nasira agad ang aking moment of triumph.
"Err! , hindi po ba puwede rito sa Main?"
"Hinde, kasi sa Project 6 ka nakatira. West Ave. Branch namin ang may hawak sa inyo."
Naramdaman ko, parang umiikot-ikot ang paligid ko. Parang gumagaan ang ulo ko, nanglalambot at naghihina ang tuhod ko. Bigla kong naramdaman ang isang matinding pangangailangan na i-headbutt ang kausap kong babae sa desk. Sa halip na isang headbutt, nagtanong na lang ako.
"Puwede po bang ibang tao na lang ang maglakad nito para sa akin?"
"Oo, gawa ka ng authorization letter..."
Ah! Para akong nabunutan ng tinik sa dibdib! Fafalakad ko na lang ito sa nanay ko. hehehe... Paglabas ko, marami pa ring tsinecheckan ng bomba sa bag sa harap. Ngayon alam ko na kung bakit. Ako rin gusto ko rin silang bombahin.
Hindi ko pa rin mawari, nung araw na yun, kung ano pa talaga ang purpose ng BIR Main. Nakangsiomai, dun sa maliliit na branches nila, siksikan ang mga tao, milya-milya ang pila. Sa Main, ang lawak-lawak, pero di sila nag-a-accomodate ng applications!
Sa kasamaang palad, hindi ako nakapagsulat ng authorization letter, at masyadong busy ang nanay ko para ilakad ang TIN ko. Anyway, sabi niya sa akin, may kaklase yung tita ko sa BIR West Ave. Kapag nagipit ako, hanapin ko na lang yun. Okey. Sige. Isa pa, may Form 1902 na ako, baranggay certificate, at yung excuse ng aking pagiging freelancer. Pila lang siguro ang problema, pero okay na. Putsa, dapat okay na.
At nakarating din ako, isang araw, sa BIR West Ave. Sa second floor sila nag-oopisina sa isang building. Masikip yung elevator dahil sa dami ng tao.
Narating ko na rin yung desk para sa TIN. Nung chineck nung babae dun yung papeles ko, hinanap nila yung pirma ng employer. "Ay. Wala po. Freelance Writer po ako e."
Napatingin sa akin yung babae, tinitigan ako sa mata na wari'y tinitimbang ang mga salitang aking nasambit...
"Ano yung Freelance Writer?"
Nafafalo ako ulit sa noo.
"Ma'am, freelancer po ako. wala po akong regular na sahod. Binabayaran ako per article na sinusulat ko. Hindi po ako regular employee kaya wala akong certificate of employment."
Nung makitang Form 1902 ang dala ko, sinabihan pa akong maling form ang bitbit ko, kaya inexplain ko pa na nanggaling na ako sa BIR Main, na Form 1901 ang dala ko dati pero sabi dun, mali raw ang 1901 para sa akin kaya binigyan ako ng 1902 dahil freelance writer ako, at inirefer ako sa branch nila.
Nakatitig sa akin yung babae, ninamnam ang bawat salitang sinambit ko...
"Ano yung Freelance Writer?"
Okay! Kulang ka ba sa iodized salt?
Ipinaliwanag ko ulit kung ano ang freelance writer, at nakatingin pa rin siya sa akin na tila nambubullsh~t lang ako.
"Punta ka na lang sa Officer of the Day."
"Umm. Saan po yun?"
"Sa Seventh Floor."
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10... ayan... kumakalma na ko... NAKANANGTOKWA!!!! ANG DAMING TAONG NAKAPILA SA ELEVATOR!!! $#@*^%$%!!!!!!!! Alang choice, tumakbo ako paakyat sa hagdanan mula 2nd patungong 7th floor. Hingal na hingal ako nang lapitan ko ang Ofiicer of the Day.
"Ma'am, pinaakyat po ako mula sa second floor..."
At ipinaliwanag ko yung nangyari, mula yung pagpunta ko sa BIR Main, hanggang sa pagpunta ko sa ibaba kanina.
"Umm... at anong gusto mong gawin ko?"
Gumuho muli ang mundo ko, pero buti na lang mayupuan sa likod ko. Ipinaliwanag ko ulit.
"Oo nga. Sa second floor ang application ng TIN. Bakit ka pinaakyat sa akin?"
Halos nagmamaka-awa na ako. "Ma'am, ala po ba talaga kayong magagawa?"
At inilahad ko ulit yung masasayang adventures ko sa BIR Main, sa BIR Port Area, sa BIR Main, at sa BIR nila. Awa ng diyos, may kinuhang chart yung ale, hinanap yung kategorya ko. Nung makuha yung code, sinulat niya sa isang espasyo sa 1902 ko, sabay tatak.
"Ayan. Okay na yan."
Namagandai ako. Sincere!!! Halos mapaihi na ako sa tuwa. Matatapos na!!!
Kaso, putsa, ang daming taong naghihintay sa elevator. Walang choice, takbo ulit ako sa hagdanan pababa.Pagdating dun, lalaki na yung nakaupo sa desk. Pinakita ko ulit yung mga papeles ko.
"Saan ang Certificate of Employment mo?"
Nammannnnn!!!! Ano ba'to? Twilight Zone? Napasok ba ako sa isang loop?
"Bosing, hindi po ako regular employee e. Freelance writer po ako."
"Ano yun?"
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At ipinaliwanag ko ulit kung ano ang freelance writer, at ikinuwento ko yung episode kanina, at yung episode sa BIR Main, etc.
"Ito kasing Form na ito, itong 1902, para sa mga may negosyo ito e."
"E yan po ang binigay ng BIR Main sa akin, dahil hindi regular ang sahod ko!"
"May mayor's permit ka ba?"
Pikon na pikon na ako nun kaya hindi ako natawa, pero,talaga, grabe, comedy ito, men. Wow.
"Hindi ko po kailangan ng mayor's permit! Writer lang po ako!"
Ineksamin ulit nung lalaki yung papeles ko.
"Ummm, propesyunal ka ba?"
"Opo."
"Anong propesyon mo?"
"Writer po."
"May lisesnsya ka ba?"
Sa isip ko- "HU-WAAAAAAATTTTTT!!!????"
Kung kumain ako ng bulalo kanina, malamang na-stroke na ako ngayon.
"HINDI NYO PO KAILANGAN NG LISENSYA PARA MAGING WRITER!!!"
Sabay follow-up ko ng:
"ANO BA KAYO? AKO NA MAGBABAYAD NG TAX SA INYO, PINAPAHIRAPAN NYO PA AKO!!!" Deadma si lalaki.
Nakatingin pa rin sa papeles ko, iniisip kung ano gagawin. Kung pinapunta pa niya ako ulit sa Officer of the Day, i-he-headbutt ko na 'to talaga. Buti na lang-"O sige, irereceive ko ang forms mo, pero ang alam ko dapat may kasamang papeles pa ito e. Pumila ka na lang dun..."
*haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy.......*
Kaso, sobrang haba ng pila, at sa takbo ng mga pangayayari ngayon, ayoko nang maghintay ng isa't kalahating oras para lang mag-replay ng kuwentong kung ano ang freelance writer, at kung bakit hindi ako regular employee. Lumabas ako, pumunta ako sa corridor. Pikon na pikon. Tinawagan ko nanay ko,
tinanong ko yung pangalan ng kaibigan dati ng tita ko sa highschool na nagtatrabaho ngayon dun. Okay, nakuha ko na yung pangalan. Balik ako dun, tinanong ko yung sekyu kung saan ang opisina nung babae.
"Sa seventh floor po."
Hindeeeeee!!!!!
Pero sige, para lang magkaroon ng bunga ang paghihirap ko ngayong araw na ito- may exodus ng tao sa harap ng elevator, kaya ayun, inipon ko ang natitira kong lakas at hininga, at aking tinakbo muli ang second to seventh floor sa hagdanan.
Pagdating sa taas, halos bumagsak sa lupa ang baga ko. Nagtanong-tanong ako ulit kung saan ang opisina nung bes-pren ng tita ko, hanggang sa mapunta na ako sa gitna ng opisina nila.
Sa wakas- "Ay! Diyan yung opisina nun, pasok ka diyan."
Yehey!!!
"Ha? Ay! On-leave siya ngayon. Babalik siya sa January 2."
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hindi pa rin nauubos ang mga tao sa elevator, hindi ko maalala kung paano ko tinakbo pababa ang first floor. Pikon na pikon ako, grabe.
Pag-uwi, nakaubos yata ako ng isang pitsel ng gulaman. Hinintay kong humupa ang tila-nuclear holocaust ng galit sa loob ng dibdib ko.
Punyetang gobyerno ito!!! Letse!!! Hindi mahuli-huli yung mga tax evaders,hindi mabigyan-bigyan ng TIN yung mga nagmamagandang loob na magbayad ng buwis!!! Tangina, no wonder may lumolobo tayong mga deficit!!!
Syet!!! Ano nangyari sa iodized salt campaign ni Ramos!!!
Nung gabi, tinawagan ko si TJ, yung kasama ko sa trabaho, at kinuwento ko lahat. Lagi ko kasing kinukuwento ang bawat installment ng aking BIR adventures, at tulad ng isang epiko, grabe ang climax nung hapon na yun.
Syet. Hayop sa climax. Tinatawanan ko na lang, pero nung hapon na yun kaya ko sigurong mangagat ng leeg.
Tawa rin nang tawa si TJ, at ngayon, kuwento niya, tawa rin nang tawa yung mga pinagkuwentuhan niya. Pati yung mga tao sa tambayan namin, nung kinuwento ko, di rin makahinga sa katatawa.
Langya, baka maging urban legend pa ang buhay ko, in which case, sana puwede kong i-video lahat, at lalagyan ko ng sumpa- ala "The Ring", tapos fafadalhan ko ng kopya yung mga tao sa BIR.
Naisip-isip ko na lang ngayon, paano nga kung kailangan mo ng lisensya para magsulat. Isang physical manifestation ng concept ng poetic license? haha! Kung sa driver's license, may mga restrictions tulad ng "Vehicle up to 4500 KGS GVW" o kaya "Automatic clutch above 4500 KGS GVW", etc. paano kaya yung sa "Poetic License" o "Writing License?"
I.Restrictions
A. Haiku and short essays only
B. Essays up to 500 words and Freeverse up to 5 stanzas
C. Essays above 500 words and Freeverse above 5 stanzas
D. Critical Essays, Short Fiction, Poetry ...etc.
Pero nag-digress na naman ako. Isang hapon, pagkatapos nung BIR episode, dumaan ako sa tambayan namin sa UP.Nung makita ako ng mga kasama ko - "Jol! Pumayat ka a! Grabe!" hehehe. Naalala ko yung jogging-jogging ko sa building, at yung stress, at namaganda ako. Isang mapait at matamis na ngiti.
At kinuwento ko kung bakit...
ps:
hanggang ngayon, wala pa akong TIN. Kuwento ni TJ, si Santi Bose raw,namatay nang walang TIN.
---------
Actually nangyayari din siya sakin ngayon kumuha ako ng TIN card ko sa Quezon Ave. kasi daw taga UP ako sabi ng opisina namin, pagpunta ko dun pinapunta ako sa Pasig kasi daw dun ang opisina namin pagpunta ko dun sabi sakin punta daw ako ng CEBU kasi dun ko kiinuha ang TIN number ko eh potek namang buhay to oo... hanggang ngayon wala parin akong TIN card...
Them workers
I woke up early today and was able to get to work on time.
Not that the traffic left its usual sway of heavy indignations from relatively millions of commuters running to and fro.
The traffic as it is remained the same but with some bouts of drunkenness from last night's partying them workers didn't go to work.
Alas its saturday and I am working on the dot making the company richer (I guess)
the ticket snugged tightly on the ticket machine or whatever you call that
it registered 55 pesos remaining I was able to pass and ran towards the almost closing train
in time I was able to push myself in
"Excuse me" lots of them
I have this sick habit of thinking what would happen if this train collides with another
will I die?
If this train is struck by lightning
will I die?
the journey came as expected
the rush of blood to the legs carried emotionless bounty from the cramped space.
entering from Cubao station a number of women were laughing their lot as male hands grope on their asses or whatsoever afterwards asking them questions such as
"Why are you not on the female section of the train?"
The response was another round of giggles.
I wasn't able to see their faces they are small
like dust in a trail of sand heading south.
"I'm nearing my stop"
As the door opened I strode forward almost running and jumping on the stairs climbing it in between two heavy strides.
I rode a jeepney looked around
the old woman in front of me seated at the back of the driver was mumbling something perhaps asking the driver shes barely audible.
In the distance a sampaguita flew inside the drivers dashboard
I can see there are a lot of sampaguitas already hanging on his rearview mirror.
the driver laughed as if saying "That guy I just owed him again, freak!"
the ride was short
in five minutes I was running up to my building and to our office
sink into my always destructible chair
another day
just another day
LIES
I
When you were young
lies kept the dream of sex
alive, and when sex ceased to be
a dream, the liar in you replaced it
with love.
Coversation at parties
owes everything to lies, but conversation
between friends owes more. It is the same
even in an open boat.
On the way home from Bible
class you saw in the bus mirror
your best friend steal the rat-tail comb
from your back pocket
and when he convinced you
he had done no such thing,
you knew you had witnessed a miracle.
Dante reserves the deepest level
of hell for suicides and liars because
they refuse to accept life
as it is.
Othello would be nobody
without Iago. Your first lover was a liar.
For a time we admired the teachers who didn't
lie, but later we hated them for it.
Christ interests us more
if we imagine him a liar. Some think
it is tools, others hindsight, but really
it is the lie which sets us apart
from animals.
II
Whatever is easy is good.
When children first discover lying,
parents say faith is impossible. Shouldn't
they thank their sons and daughters
for such wisdom?
We can always recognize people
who aren't liars because they stand out.
They have lost the art of camouflage
and will probably die soon.
Your present lover is a liar, too,
only a better one. What good is the Tree of Life
without the Tree of Knowledge?
God forgives
everything because he's lied to us
from the beginning.
We say sinners lie
to others and moralists to themselves.
What we mean is everybody
lies.
Adultery is not the same
as lying. It is telling the truth
no one wants to hear.
We never forget how to lie.
It's like swimming or breathing,
a survival skill.
Miranda is redeemed because she learns
how to lie. Lady Macbeth goes mad
because she forgets.
I will not speak of the poets.
III
We are relieved
to be caught in a lie, joyous to discover one.
Such pleasure cannot be wrong.
All art is a lie and history
has shown we will pay anything
for it. The people we lie to
are the ones we really love.
On the stage one can perform
a lie and be honoured for it. On the battlefield
one can live a lie and be killed for it.
The reverse is also true.
Who is the better actor?
A philosopher writes of a rich man:
after a long absence he returns
in disguise to his home town
only to be killed
by his own mother
who doesn't recognize him.
There is no better irony
than the irony
generated by a lie.
Do not despair. Anyone who believes
in something can lie. There is the gift
and the wrapping. Which is which?
Paradox is a lie in its Sunday best.
Last week at a high school reunion
I heard a voice telling me to confess,
but when I opened my mouth, my friends
only laughed and brought me more wine.
This is certain: if you have loved,
you have lied. If you have lied
to me, I am grateful.
Not everyone is lucky enough
to be saved
from the truth.
-Terence Young, The Island in Winter
from frances
The Dead Comes Running
Me, Lolo Otoy, Angel (my cousin)
This is a story dedicated to my Lolo who died a long time go.
we were catching shrimps so I'd be able to taste our native ilocano food
"jumping salad"
well you get the picture the salad which is the shrimp is alive and all you have to do is
drown it in vinegar and calamansi
you eat the shrimp live and you can literally see it trying to jump out of the bowl or else just moving side by side til you cut off its head, skin it and dip it in the vinegar.
Its called kinilaw comparable to sashimi and sushi of japan.
---------------
"It's easy" He said,
The night grew dimmer while them whose restless
in the farms put each other to sleep.
"You hold onto this end and..." His words fell short of a distant memory,
lately the stars reflect a more bitter spotlight to this world
enchanting evenings welcomed them fairies and critters.
I forced myself to stay put but he held onto my arm
"I'm staying on the shore lolo"
"You want to be eaten by snakes?"
"uhmmm"
"Its time"
Hoisting me up we launched the boat
the mountains are like tombstones
black and silent.
"I can't see the moon"
"I don't think you'll see it now apo"
Was he always like this?
His fellow farmer helped him throw the shrimp cages on the deepest end of the river
"It should stay on the deeper rocky side so the shrimps will take the bait"
the boat was thin,
it sways side by side
I imagine myself falling down drowning
"Will you save me if I i fell down lolo?"
He didn't answer
I went back to shivering in fear of the river
The silence is so damn eerie,
no insect wings flapping,
no lost bird chirping
nothing...
"Thats the last of them cages"
I exhaled a most life changing exhale
upon reaching shore my lolo stopped
"We have to go back"
"What? Why?" I shivered again
"The current we must go against current, I remember"
I thought "no... not again..."
But yes we went back
The shrimps we had for breakfast the following day was heaven.
survey daw hanyehnyeh
1. What would you do if you received a
long love letter?
~ depende kanino galing pero babasahin ko parin kahit papaano hehehe malay ko ba di para sakin yun nyahahaha
2. Describe your crush?
~ matalino, mabait, diyosa!!
3. Do you text message alot?
~ depende pag may oras
4. Do you believe in love at first
sight?
~ pano pag bulag? nyahaha di siguro... di ako naniniwala sa lab at pers sayt
5. Whats your favorite color(s)?
~ orange, red, yellow, purple
6. Do you prefer to sleep or talk to a
friend when it gets boring in class?
~ depende sa teacher usually nagdodrowing ako or nagbabasa ng ibang libro hehehe
7. One thing that you like about your
house?
~ daming banyo
8. Rudest thing you have done to
yourself?
~ kinakagat ko dati dila ko if nagmumura ako hahaha
9. last song u downloaded?
~ tool complete discography
10. Which part of your body is itchy
and aching now?
~ hita
11. If you can have a choice, would you
prefer to be friends or attached with
someone you love now?
~ hahaha depende yan
12. In one word, describe your day
today.
~ ponyetang traffic! daming tao! MRT sucks!
13. What website(s) have you opened?
~ blog, utopia, work work work woooooorrrrkkkk
14. What song are you listening to now?
~ stina nordenstam - somthing nice
15. The latest news you've received?
~ wala pa di pako nag-open ng news sa net
16. What can't you live without?
~ food hehehe lots of them
17. Who can't you live without?
~ hmm... the people who mattered
18. What do people think when they
first saw you?
~ isnatcher! iskwater! seryoso! bading! (gusto mo sapak?)
19. What was the last book you bought?
~ hmm wala eh di nako masyado bumibili ng libro
20. Excited ka ba sa birthday mo?
~ oo naman hehehe
21.if someone said you look nice you'd
say...
- matsalams salamtsu!!!
22. if someone said you sound weird
you'd say..
- ah eh sa lagay pala ikaw normal? eng??!!
23. if someone said you're intelligent
you'd say...
- you are the chosen one neo!!!
24. if someone said
he/she doesn't like you you'd say...
- uhmm bakit?
25. if someone said your last
relationship's break-up was your fault
you'd say...
- INAMO!
26.if someone said you're heartless
you'd say...
- oks na yun kesa homeless hehehe
27. if someone said you have bad
friends you'd say...
- uhmm baka kasi di maganda ang childhood mo?
28. if someone said you need an
attitude make-over you'd say...
- o sige kaw mukha mo makeover nyahahaha
29. if someone said you don't get
hurt, at all, you'd say...
- di ha sakit kaya pag naglalaro ako ng jiu-jitsu jusme!
30. if someone said you're selfish
you'd say...
- selfishness is a virtue dear
31. what's the funniest thing that
someone said today?
- Imbento ka nanaman cams!!!-zac
32. what would you say to
someone who betrayed you behind your
back?
- (swerte na lang nya if makakapagsalita pako usually inuupakan ko agad eh walang sali-salita hehehe)
33. what is the ultimate "kilig" line
for you?
- wabyu ga!
34. what is the best love line you
heard so far?
- There are three things in this world that you cannot hide: Poverty, cough and being in love -Il Mare
35. if words could kill, what words
would kill you?
- baho ng putok/hininga mo mehhn!!!
Away MRT
Kada sumasakay talaga ako ng MRT kung ano-anong mga iskandalo ang naaabutan ko meron yung pauwi nako from work and then may nakita akong nagkakagulo sa labas ng tren sa may cubao station.May babeng nagwawala according dun sa pinagtanungan ko kasi hinipuan daw siya ng isang manyak (sabay tawa yung pinagtanungan kong lalaki)
"Ayan wala na kasi manghihipo" sabi nung kasama nyang lalaki.
dedma lang ewan ko kung matatawa ako o ano pero nakauwi din ako awa ng diyos.
Had a dose of my suking sampung pisong hot and spicy mani ni manong klang-klang sa baba ng MRT kamuning sabay sakay ng jeep pauwi.
Pero di pa nagtapos yun nung isang araw nanaman may nakita nanaman akong away pero this time nakakatawa pa lalo kasi may dalawang egoy na lalki in their mid 30's ata yun nagsisigawan kala ko magkaibigan kasi ang close nila magsighawan.
Kala ko pa pa nga nagdedebate sila pero narinig ko na lang ang isa nagsasabi:
"Bakit mo ko tinutulak?"
"Eh nanunulak ka kanina eh!" Sabay titig ng masama
"Hindi kita tinulak!"
"Hinde tinulak mo ko eh!"
"Hindi nga kita tinulak!"
"Hinde tinulak mo ko!"
(ewan ko kung matatawa ako o maasar unang una ang luwag luwag naman ng tren sa tutuusin sabado yun ng umaga wala gaanong sumasakay pero nagawa pa rin nilang mag-away mga egoy talaga)
nakatitig pa rin ng masama yung isa
"Nanunulak ka kasi eh!"
Iritado na "Hindi nga kita tinulak! Pano kita itutulak eh nasa likod ka?!"
tahimik... nakatitig na lang
"Eh tinulak mo ko!"
"O SIGE TAMA KA NA!"
nakatitig pa rin habang yung isa tumingin na lang sa harapan nya.
ang nakakatawa sa lahat ng ito eh magkatabi lang sila nakahawak ang kanang kamay ng isa sa parehong bar ang isa naman yung kaliwang kamay magkadikit ang mga braso nila at parang ang sweet sweet nila!
pero sayang kailangan ko nang bumaba ng tren nasa shaw nako...
sa wakas opisina na bukas sigurado may mangyayri nanaman sa MRT jusme!
BASTA JASMS NGA NAMAN….
from the memoirs of Doggie Young
(ANG GWARDYANG SI PERF): Hello?... Ah yes mam, por a while. Please hang yourself.
Reynalene Untalan: "If the odds are against me, then I will against them."
Inday Badiday asks a starlet about her mother's burial:
Inday: Kumusta ang libing ng nanay mo?
Starlet: Successful naman po.
C.A.T. Officer: "Do you know why I ask you to stand?"
Rody Cornejo:"No, sir." "Ok, why?"
Mr.GIRON: "Baka gusto nyong ibilad ko kayo sa covered courts."
Ms.CEBRERO: Class, I want you to watch sex scenes.
Class: What?! Tits!
Ms.Cebrero: What's wrong? It's a beautiful film starring Bros Welles! (Bruce Willis)
Class: Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
Sa isang examination:
LOUIE: Mam, pwedeng gumamit ng liquid paper?
Ms.Diniega: Ang kulit naman! Sinabi nang pad paper lang eh. Adik!
After the examination:
Ms.Cebrero: Okey, time is up. One, two, three. Come your papers to me!
A reporter interviews Mr.Orencia about the Philippine economy.
Mr.Orencia: Talagang mahirap ang buhay natin ngayon. Pero slow by slow, we will success.
Mr.Mendoza: "Ayoko na ng nadidistorbo turo ko ha..simulan na natin class...In Science..,teka teka teka! Marvin asan napala yung bayad mo sa bola!"
Heard at Mc Do:
Yaya: Ma'm, gusto po ni Aileen ng KIDNEY MEAL!
Ms.Manangbao: What is ur name?
Student: Jeyo...
Ms.Manangbao: What is ur old?
Ms.DINIEGA: Okay, form two straight circles and find your height
alphabetically! Bilisan niyo! Adik!
Mrs.BARRETO: Okay class, it's time to go home. Form a line and
pass out slowly.
Mrs.CRUZ: I want you to bring your father and your mother, especially your parents, understood?! Bring them tomorrow in front of me, right here, right now!
Posted in Gate Entrance:
" No ID, Nothing entry. "
Mr.SANTOS: Oy, magdala kayo ng chip ahoy a.
B-3: Ser! may "s" yon...
Mr.SANTOS: A, sorry. Chip ahoys!
Ms.G: Is it raining outside?
Ms.CEBRERO: Not yet. Sprinkle only.
Mr.GIRON: ANU BA TALAGANG GUSTO MO TALAGA, BUNCH O SUPER BUNCH!?
SHAMLA: "TAKBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH.....!!!!!!!!!"
--------------
The best talaga High School life ko waaahhhhh
Somebody... please blow up the MRT!!!!
If theres one reason why we should support birth control is because of the fact na hindi na tayo magkasya sa MRT!!!
Yes sobrang sikip na ng maynila and I'm talking of Quezon City pa lang at that.
San ka ba naman nakakita ng MRT na kahit 6 am eh puno na? tapos hindi pa monday yun ha tuesday pa yun mehn!!!
Isipin mo idagdag mo pa ang mga taga probinsya na naghahanap ng trabaho sa maynila by that time ubod na talaga ng dami ng tao by 2010!!!
Kanina sa MRT at kahapon habang naghihintay ako di ko sukat akalain na ganito na kadami ang tao sa maynila.
(commercial: nag cr ako sa opisina at dahil sarado ang dalawang cr na malapit samin eh dun ako nag cr sa may csr sa loob ayun pagpasok ko may taeng nakalutang na ang lupit ng amoy grrr kaasar di man lang marunong mag flush haaaay)
ok san na ba tayo???
Ahh.. oo yung dami ng tao sa pinas... sobrang dami na nga as in...
Ang simbahan di pa rin naniniwala sa birth control kasi daw u'r killing the baby na bigay ni papa jesus and that kids and soon to be parents should be able to be more responsible on taking care of themselves and their probable offspring.
palagay ko ang lakas ng loob nilang sabihin yun kasi di pa talaga sila nakaramdam ng libog (lust)
--------
The other day naman sumakay ulit ako ng punong punong MRT imagine 1 week na akong late dalhin wala nang tren ang MRT...
so anyway nung pasakay nako ng mrt eh nagsara nanaman yung mga entrance lanes nila kasi daw sobrang dami nang tao sa platform so linya nanaman ako...
naghintay kami ng mga limang tren bago kami tuluyang nakasakay siksikan sobra... usually pag ganon makakabasa ka ng mga nag tetext sa paligid mo...
may nabasa akong text "Madami bang stoplight ang MRT?"
sa puntong yun gusto ko nang tumawa ng malakas pero di ko magawa kasi amoy pawis baka mahinga ko sa bibig ko ang baho eeeewwww...
nakarating din ako ng opisina eventually pero 9 na eh 8 ang pasok ko ptek namang buhay to...
------------
p.s. matagal ko nang nasulat to sobrang busy lang talaga sa opisina jusme...
Mabuti Pa Sila
Mabuti pa ang mga surot, laging mayrong masisiksikan
Mabuti pa ang bubble gum, laging mayrong didikitan
Mabuti pa ang salamin, laging mayrong tumitingin
Di tulad kong laging walang pumapansin
Mabuti pa ang mga lapis, sinusulatan ang papel
At mas mapalad ang kamatis, maya't maya napipisil
Napakaswerte ng bayong, hawak ng aleng maganda
Di tulad kong lagi na lang nag-iisa
Ano ba'ng wala ako na mayron sila
Di man lang makaisa habang iba'y dala-dalwa
Pigilan n'yo akong magpatiwakal
Mabuti pa ang galunggong nasasabihan ng 'mahal'
Kahit ang suka ay may toyo at ang asin may paminta
Mabuti pa ang lumang dyaryo at yakap-yakap ang isda
Mabuti pa sila, mabuti pa sila
Di tulad kong lagi na lang nag-iisa
Mabuti pa ang simpleng tissue at laging nahahalikan
Mabuti pa ang mga bisyo, umaasang babalikan
Mabuti pa sila, mabuti pa sila
Di tulad kong lagi na lang nag-iisa
(Interlude)
Pigilan n'yo akong magpatiwakal
Bakit si Gabby Concepcion lagi na lang kinakasal
Mabuti pa ang mga isnatser, palaging may naghahabol
Ang aking luma na computer, mayron pa ring compatible
Mabuti pa sila, mabuti pa sila
Di tulad kong lagi na lang nag-iisa
-Gary Granada-
Isang araw sa MRT
minsan may mga weirdong karanasan ka sa MRT na di mo inaasahan tulad nung isang araw nakasakay ako sa usual na masikip na morning MRT papuntang north tapos nung tumigil na kami sa cubao eh nagsiksikan na yung mga tao par makapasok.
Tapos may isang mama na nagpupumilit na pumasok pero di siya kasya kaya sabi nya:
"Kasya pa yan!!! Imposibleng hindi magkasya eh bagong bago pa lang tong tren na to!!! kabibili lang nito!!!"
Nagkatinginan kami ng mga kasakay ko sa tren sabay simpleng tawa.
"Potek anong kinalaman ng pagiging bago sa luwag?" nakatingin lang yung kaharap (actually kadikitan ko) ko sakin at di ma-isip kung anong reaksyon nya siguro siya rin parang naghahanap ng meaning sa buhay nya sa mga katagang binitawan nung lalaking yun.
In the end di rin nakasakay yung lalaki sabay hirit na lang siya:
"Ahh masikip na... Masikip... (repeat to fade parang kanta)"
heniweys nasarhan na siya siguro makakasakay siya sa susunod na tren or pwede ring hindi we never know...
talagang matalinghaga ang buhay nyahahaha
On turning 27 and more...
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27... such is the number that I thought about, time and again in my youth.
Such questions as: Would I reach 27? Will i be rich when I'm 27? Am I gonna have kids when I'm 27? Are my friends still my friends when I'm 27?
All of them are answered as I commenced living my life as simple as it is and as complicated as it was.
Lessons Learned
I learned a lot in the span of 26 years.
Found new friends, had some enemies, forgiven some, shunned some, hated some, loved some.
But in all these I always am thankful in the divine for giving me this opportunity to live this life (or whatever you may call it hehehe) God gave me good health, good friends, good family, good education (though i still hope i did well hehehe puros gudtaym naman kasi eh) all of them good waahh hehehe
Honestly I have my regrets (who wouldnt anyway?) but one of them being not able to learn jiu-jitsu at an early age... YES I'm addicted to Jiu-jitsu... I love it and I want to learn more on it I also want to compete in MMA haay I guess medyo matatagalan pako dun...
So what now?
I bought myself a new phone courtesy of an angel and my kapatid julien, by the way birthday din pala ni jade last July 7 , so happy birthday din pre mabuhay ka! hehehe
My phone is sum kinda mahal pero ayus lang kahit medyo mahirap bayaran... as of this writing I still have yet to pay for it completely.
Had a party in the office courtesy naman of Zac our programmer, why you ask? he lend me 1k for all the food I bought hehehe and on top of that my SEO teammates camz, roanne, ate rhiz, Sir gabs, lauren, reiner bought me donuts (yung favorite ko) and FHM magazine.
other officemates provided some good shots (tnx rico)
but above all else salamat sa diyos for everything hehehe
Birthday party ulit
Had another party at home - one word... lasheng soobra hehehe
basta masaya na ewan hehehe
Why the blog?
Why I brought back this blog is plain and simple: Because there is too much more to life than not writing about it hehehe
and for all those who put me down: A POX ON YOUR ARSES!!!!
nyahahaha
For Ana Escalante Neri Part 2.
"And, you, dearest moon, incomparable! If I could swallow you, I would choke to a lovely death and have, upon my decomposing lips, your eternal beauty." - Beauty and Sadness and The MoonIt was just another day at work. As i sat down and began my usual routine a friend of mine messaged me on my YM.
"You know Ana? She died last saturday... She's only 29"
" Ana who?"
"Ana the writer in Sunstar, the poet? she's your blogmate right?"
"Hmm.. I don't remember very well but maybe she used another name or nickname on that"
"Ah its raine's blogmate pala sorry"
"How did she die?"
"Nobody knows for now, some say suicide, others say its cardiac arrest try to go to her site and see who she is"
"Ok..."
At the back of my mind I thought why would she do it? If indeed it was suicide why in the world would somebody as gifted as her do it?
And I thought well.. Ernest Hemingway did it... Friedrich Nietszche did it why wouldn't she?
At that same instant I messaged my friends in Cebu. Cebu has a small tight circle of writers, they usually do poetry reading at kahayag cafe. I always imagined myself joining it anytime soon I joined some in UP in college but then a lot of things happened so it went and pass 'til I became one of the watchers from afar as the literary circle became tighter but bigger. Ana was a part of that awareness.
"She died of cardiac arrest..."
"Really? she had a heart problem?"
"Maybe" said my other literary friend in Cebu
"I just don't think she's gonna do it... I'm thinking of a foul play but everybody wants to keep mum on it"
"Lets hope it gets clearer... anytime soon"
As I dig deeper and I look at her pictures and diving photographs I noticed something - we both love the sea... the fishes... photography (though I just can't afford it but thanks to digital technology I get to take pictures of things I want to carry in me)
There is also something in her eyes that one could say a melancholic stillness but full of zest for life. She also has a daughter, wrote tons and tons of articles and columns and poetry at that that I have to make up for reading them all. Her style is unique and pleasant, she really is a gifted writer.
She is also pretty, a head turner I assume but nonetheless a thinker at that.
So I asked more people.
"She hanged herself... and she was rushed to the hospital afterwards she had 12 cardiac arrests and she died" said another friend.
"Are you sure?"
"That's what they told me..."
"You think she'll really do it?"
"When I was with her in Dumaguete in the writers workshop she seemed nice and happy aside from the occasional if you know what I mean... but I don't think she'll really do it... nonetheless that's what they told me"
another friend told me it's 30 cardiac arrests.
Now I'm confused.
I also don't know if she was the one who edited the line in her multiply site: ...and this site is now closed.
But then I still added her in my friends list. Knowing that perhaps she was the only one who knew the password to it. Nevertheless I still hope she would add me as one of her friends wherever she is.
29 is not too young, we get to learn a lot in time and maybe her learning is just enough as she deems fit for everybody and anyone trying to learn more about her mystery.
I wrote her a poem afterwards. Posted it in her site, I hope she likes it.
Whatever your reason is if you really did it... If ever you left this world because the divine wants you back... Wherever you are thank you for your words and your magic.
May you rest in peace Ana...
Trust
there's no-one left in the world
that i can hold onto
there is really no-one left at all
there is only you
and if you leave me now
you leave all that we were
undone
there is really no-one left
you are the only one
and still the hardest part for you
to put your trust in me
i love you more than i can say
why won't you just believe?
-The Cure-
-------------
I so love this song...
For Ana Escalante Neri
1978-2007
Poets are monsters,
They open you up and turn you inside out.
They will ravage your soul,
tear it, til it bleeds melancholic verses spewed in their pen.
Poets are vampires,
They keep themselves in the dark with their watchful eyes,
they bury themselves for a moments peace but with eyes open - yes with eyes open.
To A Poet and Poets alike this is that chain of continuity,
Where death threads peaceful - hand in hand with them who walks the path of carelessness - searching for the beauty in life.
It is through this that poets write,
the soul's revolution - the black hole of consternation - the symphony in chaos returned forthright.
The abyss of gratitude drawn by words kept yearning til the thirst becomes weak.
It is this that poets make you weak.